Book review: 50 Things You Wish You Knew About Love, Marriage, and Divorce by Jim McCraigh

Returning to a monoblogue staple on just the right day for it.

One of the first Substacks I subscribed to when I got into this enterprise was Jim McCraigh’s

American Faith & Freedom

, so when I got the opportunity to look this new project of his over, I took advantage - one, because I like doing book reviews, and two, I’m a veteran of all three of these subjects. So I looked at this book through the eyes of “do I wish this book had come out 40 years ago to save me some heartbreak,” and the answer is “yes, yes I do.”

While there’s not a description of every type of relationship here, the key to me was the stress on communication. I especially liked the illustration of the talking stick, a tool about which McCraigh explains:

We can thank the Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest for the idea of the talking stick. Talking sticks are still used there to recognize one’s right to speak. Talking sticks help promote honesty and openness without immediate judgment or criticism. It can help keep one partner from shutting down or storming out of the house before things get resolved. The person holding the stick, and only that person, has the right to speak, and the other(s) must listen quietly and respectfully.

One thing I’ve learned over the years from reading on the subject is that the call a police officer dreads the most is a domestic dispute because, when a law enforcement officer enters such a situation, he or she usually has little idea of either the subject of the dispute or its underlying causes. Maybe the argument began over how the bills were paid or why Johnny missed the bus or some ill-advised comment about the cooking, but the fact it ended with law enforcement brought in is seldom a good sign that the relationship will be ongoing.

Another thing Jim makes a point about is the modern hookup culture. In my younger single days I was just as guilty as anyone else about wanting to jump in the sack at the first opportunity; then again, this is why I said the part about the book coming out 40 years ago a few paragraphs back. McCraigh spends much of what’s a breezy read (as each of the fifty chapters is no more than a handful of pages; I spent about 2 hours over a pair of sittings reading and understanding it) emphasizing that a solid relationship is built on much more than sex; in fact, there are loving couples in the final “friendship” stage of marriage who may simply be unable to perform that part of their relationship but nonetheless live their wedding vows more strongly than ever.

I have been with my wife for 15 years now, 8 of them married. Both of us were married prior to our meeting, but those relationships failed for a number of reasons that I won’t go into here. And I’ll grant there were a few times early on where I wasn’t sure this one would last either, particularly with the trials both of us went through. I honestly believe, however, that our relationship is successful because we’ve encouraged a third party to be involved:

Marriages also need to be tied to an anchor... like a ship, an anchor in a marriage helps protect it from the storms of life. If there is no secure anchor, the marital union will be tossed about by the waves and pushed around by every wind that comes along. The husband and the wife each represent one of the anchoring cords in a marriage. Each one brings their own efforts to preserving and maintaining a marriage relationship.

But that is only two cords... what about the third?

A cord of three colors (often referred to as a marriage braid) symbolizes the joining of one man, one woman, and God into a marriage relationship. Each one of the colored strands has a special meaning... The gold strand represents God, who has given them the gift of love. The purple represents the groom and his life. The white represents the bride and her life. In braiding these three strands together, the couple has chosen to allow God to be at the center of their marriage, woven into every aspect of it.

I’m not going to say we have a perfect relationship, but in looking at what Jim says, we do follow a lot of his advice. And we were fortunate enough to meet at a stage in life where we had the maturity to work through our differences. It’s no wonder the song we picked out for our wedding was Bless The Broken Road.

But to me, the target audience is the young person starting out. Maybe they’ve been in a couple rough relationships already and don’t know if a good one is even possible. This book tells them that it can be done, and with the right person it can be rewarding.

Let’s hope it doesn’t take them until they’re in their mid-40's like I was. Man, where was this book back in the day?

Until next time, also remember you can Buy Me a Coffee since I have a page there.